46 Signs You’re Living Through Winter in Windhoek

  1. Your leg hair is longer than your Januworry weave.
  2. You’re out in the elements wearing everything you own.
  3. Your electricity bill is higher than Slick the Dick.
  4. Your personal hashtag is #BringBackMyHoodies
  5. You lie in bed weighing the pros and cons of employment.
  6. You want zero to do with toilet seats or tiles.
  7. You’re out here sleeping with a hot water Bonaqua bottle.
  8. You’ve left Warehouse, Chopsi’s and Vibe for dead.
  9. You hope the Harambee Prosperity Plan involves free Chinatown blankets.
  10. Your skin is starting to crack and you’re feeling betrayed because you’re black.
  11. You’ve felt the cold, thought “Neh, man, this is Africa!” then Googled global warming.
  12. You’re creeping a bikini clad Meriam Kaxuxwena’s summer Instagram pics thinking “Must be nice.”
  13. Bathing has become increasingly optional.
  14. Being indoors or walking through patches of shade is a dance with death.
  15. Buttered bread is a thing of holes.
  16. The cold has you hopping into the first taxi that will take you. Dankie Botswana? Broken fender? Busted indicator? “Nxa, bra! Kom ons waai.”
  17. You fear winter on a scale of 1 to House Stark.
  18. Vest and bucket hat kwaitos are rocking beanies and bomber jackets so you know it’s real.
  19. Chopsi’s courtyard has graduated from place to get lit to place to get pneumonia.
  20. You consider Namibia the land of braving the cold.
  21. You’re braaing more than the mandatory once a week because fire.
  22. Netflix and chill isn’t a booty call, it’s a lifestyle.
  23. Gym has forgotten your name and kwaitos have forgotten your size.
  24. Sunset comes as fast as your ex-boyfriend.
  25. You’re afraid to touch anything metal for fear of static shocks. (Thanks, Deacon!)
  26. Layering has you living la vida overdressed then stripper then loco.
  27. You’ve side-eyed someone letting the cold in through the door on some “Avada Kedavra!”
  28. You can’t remember a time before nipple stands.
  29. You thought your cellphone’s temperature gauge was tripping when it stopped talking in double digits.
  30. The warmest thing about you is your urine.
  31. Winter has a personality and it’s mean. “This cold ain’t playing, fam. Winter never loved us.”
  32. You’ve watched pasty backpackers best living in tank tops and shorts and thought: “Ogh. White people!”
  33. Netflix is life.
  34. Garnish is bae.
  35. Bed is bae.
  36. Bae is the thickest girl Chez Ntemba has to offer.  Because vleis kombers.
  37. You’ve realized that Summer You lives to thrive and Winter You is about that “Cancel everything!”
  38. The sun is out but it’s freezing so you know the devil is a liar.
  39. You’re living for hella hot beverages like gluhwein … or those Styrofoam cups of mystery soup at Checkers.
  40. Your body odour is a mix of perfume, Vicks VapoRub and despair.
  41. You’ve asked your blesser for a kettle, a heater and electricity for your meter.
  42. You’ve spent a full terrifying minute thinking how awful it must be to live on the street.
  43. Every day feels like baby making weather.
  44. The wind wants you to put some respek on its mbushe city’s name.
  45. Sally is your girl but the only Boss Madam you recognize is the sangoma who can get this chill…to chill.
  46. You’ve decided the “w” in Winter stands for witchcraft.

 

 

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