- Your leg hair is longer than your Januworry weave.
- You’re out in the elements wearing everything you own.
- Your electricity bill is higher than Slick the Dick.
- Your personal hashtag is #BringBackMyHoodies
- You lie in bed weighing the pros and cons of employment.
- You want zero to do with toilet seats or tiles.
- You’re out here sleeping with a hot water Bonaqua bottle.
- You’ve left Warehouse, Chopsi’s and Vibe for dead.
- You hope the Harambee Prosperity Plan involves free Chinatown blankets.
- Your skin is starting to crack and you’re feeling betrayed because you’re black.
- You’ve felt the cold, thought “Neh, man, this is Africa!” then Googled global warming.
- You’re creeping a bikini clad Meriam Kaxuxwena’s summer Instagram pics thinking “Must be nice.”
- Bathing has become increasingly optional.
- Being indoors or walking through patches of shade is a dance with death.
- Buttered bread is a thing of holes.
- The cold has you hopping into the first taxi that will take you. Dankie Botswana? Broken fender? Busted indicator? “Nxa, bra! Kom ons waai.”
- You fear winter on a scale of 1 to House Stark.
- Vest and bucket hat kwaitos are rocking beanies and bomber jackets so you know it’s real.
- Chopsi’s courtyard has graduated from place to get lit to place to get pneumonia.
- You consider Namibia the land of braving the cold.
- You’re braaing more than the mandatory once a week because fire.
- Netflix and chill isn’t a booty call, it’s a lifestyle.
- Gym has forgotten your name and kwaitos have forgotten your size.
- Sunset comes as fast as your ex-boyfriend.
- You’re afraid to touch anything metal for fear of static shocks. (Thanks, Deacon!)
- Layering has you living la vida overdressed then stripper then loco.
- You’ve side-eyed someone letting the cold in through the door on some “Avada Kedavra!”
- You can’t remember a time before nipple stands.
- You thought your cellphone’s temperature gauge was tripping when it stopped talking in double digits.
- The warmest thing about you is your urine.
- Winter has a personality and it’s mean. “This cold ain’t playing, fam. Winter never loved us.”
- You’ve watched pasty backpackers best living in tank tops and shorts and thought: “Ogh. White people!”
- Netflix is life.
- Garnish is bae.
- Bed is bae.
- Bae is the thickest girl Chez Ntemba has to offer. Because vleis kombers.
- You’ve realized that Summer You lives to thrive and Winter You is about that “Cancel everything!”
- The sun is out but it’s freezing so you know the devil is a liar.
- You’re living for hella hot beverages like gluhwein … or those Styrofoam cups of mystery soup at Checkers.
- Your body odour is a mix of perfume, Vicks VapoRub and despair.
- You’ve asked your blesser for a kettle, a heater and electricity for your meter.
- You’ve spent a full terrifying minute thinking how awful it must be to live on the street.
- Every day feels like baby making weather.
- The wind wants you to put some respek on its mbushe city’s name.
- Sally is your girl but the only Boss Madam you recognize is the sangoma who can get this chill…to chill.
- You’ve decided the “w” in Winter stands for witchcraft.